Hopefully fifty short profiles isn’t to long. If it is,
You can split it into multiple readings if you need to. but I doubt it will be very long anyway.
1. Alabama: Giant Ground Sloth
These 9 foot tall animals had prehensile lips.
See What Was Around Besides Dinosaurs? for more information.
2. Alaska: Long-Horned Bison
Believe it or not, desolate, cold, Alaska was a hot spot for prehistory. It was hard to choose what animal to put here.
There were like fifty dinos, marine reptiles, dire wolves, mammoths, giant clams… the list goes on.
But I chose these adorable big-horned buffalo.
Their huge horns would have served well against Saber-Tooth Cats and Short-Faced Bears that lived in similar environments to them.
3: Arizona: Arizonasaurus
Despite its heavily Arizonian name, this Dino earns neither the place of state fossil or state dinosaur for Arizona.
If you want to, you can go read their Wikipedia article. But believe me, it is not interesting.
4. Arkansas: Arkansaurus
Being named after Arkansas, the state dinosaur of Arkansas, and the only dinosaur native to Arkansas, this Dinosaur was an easy pick.
It resembled ostriches and was probably feathered, being a theropod.
5. California: Dire Wolf
Being the biggest wolf as well as the topper for canis bite forces, its no wonder that Dire wolves hit pop culture so hard.
6. Colorado: Fruitafossor
Fruitafossor was a small adorable termite-eating rodent. Other than that, not much.
7. Connecticut: Hypsognathus
Growing to be only a little over a foot long, this little hecker’s intimidating spikes were most likely for nothing more than that- intimidation.
If you’re just hunting for lunch, and then you see a lizard with spikes protruding from the side of its head, are you scared?
Probably.
Despite its strange spikes, it was probably just a vegitarian lizard looking to be safe from predators.
8. Delaware: Deinosuchus
The largest crocodilian! bigger than the saltwater croc!
I put so many images in because it makes the bios look long (:
9. Florida: Hipparion
They just look so stupid.
Besides their stubby heads, these horses were most likely not too much different from our modern Equus Caballus.
10. Georgia: Georgiacetus
The discovery of this early whale was about the only good thing that ever came of building a nuclear plant.
These whales swam the seas that have now dried up. Yeah, it swam the deep now receded waters above 93 miles inland.
This eleven foot long pre-whale preyed on fish, and prayed on seats next to altars.
Such a clumsy joke.
11. Hawaii: The Natural Aviary
Hawaii, before humans arrived, was a paradise, full of birds. Judging from our hawaiin fossil record, this place was swarmed in paleofowl.
12. Idaho: Brachycrus
These funny nosed creatures seem about as big as, say, a cow?
But…… No.
13. Illinois: The Tully Monster
The official state animal of Illinois, The Tully Monster [Tullimonstrum] was a strange, less-than-a-foot-long, well, monster.
Thank God in heaven on high they’re only a foot long.
14. Indiana: Short-Faced Bear
15. Iowa: Whatcheeria
If you’re like me, you may be saying, ‘whatcheeria sounds like what-cheer’.
And you’d be right.
Because it was found in What Cheer, Iowa.
And that’s not the only thing weird about these.
Because they aren’t amphibians.
They aren’t reptiles.
They aren’t birds.
They aren’t mammals!
so what are they?
Nope, not telling.
16. Kansas: Nyctosaurus
These small little Pterosaurs have one weird feature, and I don’t believe it even needs pointed out.
Their impressive frill, that makes up over half of the Nyctosaurus- but why?
Why do they have these huge frills?
Some say that they were used as an aerodynamic sail:
But probably not, since most animals with a similar frill have small ridges for attatchment.
On the Nyctosaurus, there are no such ridges.
So most likely it had no sail but rather just a strange antler.
This could be used for stabbing like a unicorn, or just for showing off to females.
17. Kentucky– Woodland Musk Ox
These guys normally stick to alaska, greenland, and canada, but in the ice age, what was stopping them from living around the midwest?
18. Louisiana: Coryphodon
These semi-aquatic creatures were pretty much the american version of Hippos.
Except much smaller, usually not reaching much more than four feet at the shoulder.
19. Maine: Every Gosh-Dang Shell There Is
So many SHELLS!
It drives me NUTS!!!
20: Maryland: Gompotheres
These four-tusked elephants must have been truly amazing to behold.
They had larger tusks than our modern elephants, and were themselves a bit bigger.
But what drove these beasts to extinction?
Most scientists attribute their dying out to dietary evolution, in which diets evolve to fit their habitat.
Their diet probably evolved to be very specialized, which killed them all off.
But how would Evolution evolve their diet to make it worse?
Well, the answer may be found in ‘fast’ shifts in climate. If their diet makes them eat very limited plants that grow in hot environment, and the temperature drops, its not pretty.
The plants die, and so… there goes Gomphothere.
21. Massachusetts: Microdycton
Nothing of note.
I mean, seriously, its literally just a funny looking worm!
22. Michigan: Dunkleosteus
This thirty foot long armor-plated monster once swam over michigan.
Whether washed up by a flood, or native to a prehistoric ocean that soaked Michigan, this creature was truly a monster.
23. Minnesota: Claosaurus
The name ‘Claosaurus’, meaning ‘Broken Lizard’, refers to its fragmentary skeleton.
Because of this, Paleontologists must speculate a lot as to its appearance.
But, Comparative Anatomy to the rescue.
Judging from other hadrosaurs, they can infer that it looked like a typical Hadrosaur.
From sizes of most hadrosaurs and its bones, they could know the general size.
24: Mississippi: Teilhardina
These american monkeys, which bear many similarities to the modern marmoset, supposedly were some of the earliest primates to evolutionists.
They inhabited much of north america, Greenland, Europe, and Africa. In other words, they are a very widespread species.
25: Missouri: Falcatus
These unusual little fish-many look a lot like normal 1-foot sharks, except around half of them have a little lightning pole.
No, its not actually a lightning pole. In reality, it was probably a sexually dimorphic thing for the males to show off or establish hierarchy.
26: Montana: Camelops
Camel
27: Nebraska: The Devil’s Corkscrews
What are these strange spirals? Almost like… well… Corkscrews! Corkscrews fit for the DEVIL HIMSELF!!!
For years, scientists puzzled over what they could be… until…
They find a beaver nestled in the bottom: the Paleocastor.
The beaver-creature did in fact dig this complex spiral burrow, and topped it off with a long ‘chute’ where they sleep (see above picture.)
28: Nevada: American Lion
Is it just me or is Wikipedia declining? Any real author doesn’t open an article with,
“Panthera atrox, better known as the American lion, also called the North American lion, or American cave lion, is an extinct pantherine cat that lived in North America during the Pleistocene epoch and the early Holocene epoch, about 340,000 to 11,000 years ago.”
Good authors open with “Hopefully fifty short profiles isn’t to long. If it is, [gif].”
The Gif is important, maybe the most important part.
Sorry.
Excuse the rant.
29: New Hampshire: Nothing
30: New Jersey: Icarosaurus
31: New Mexico: Gastornis
Boring name, cool animal.
Gastornis, though not the biggest paleofowl out there, they do deserve awe.
According to Walking with Wikis (stop making these dad gum puns on WIKI!!!!), their muscle and feathers weighed half a ton.
We all appreciate that they say the weight of everything but the stuff we actually have preserved.
Walking with Wikis is going to make me go insane!
Oh, and a song about going insane just popped up! Wow!
And now I have to go vacuum.
32: New York: Eurypterus
I’m back from vacuuming, still listening to the song about insanity.
Listening to the lyrics, ‘how many tears till I drown myself?’
33. North Carolina: The Butcher
That’s right, Plato the Publix croc dominated the food chain in north carolina.
Bipedal crocodiles swam and walked the forests, standing nine feet tall.
No wonder their names mean ‘butcher’.
34: North Dakota: Champsosaurus
These big alligators did not stand on two legs, nor beat any size record, but once you’re over half way through a post like this, you really don’t wanna be deep diving into articles.
So I got this. Ya satisfied?
Whoof! the song about insanity is done! Then, guess what plays next? The other song about insanity!!
But you know, these guys are actually really cute! They have those long needle snouts with beady eyes and those round heads.
If you know much about alligators and crocs and such, you’d recognize that these are the ancestors of our narrow-nosed Gharials.
Oh, their name means ‘Crocodile Lizard’. Wow. Could you be a little more creative?!
35: Ohio:
Wow! my least favorite state! Sorry those Ohio people reading this, but you probably won’t even leave a comment, so ha!
Anyway, to the point!!
These guys are the mini sharks of your nightmares.
36: Oklahoma: Cotylorhynchus
The obese cousin of Dimetrodon, this bulky thing was so big you could ride it!
In heaven. I’m going straight to saddling a Citylorhynchus.
Just look at these pictures!
37: Oregon: Microtheriomys
Ever wanted a pet beaver… but they were just to big?
Probably not, but too bad.
You most likely wanted a beaver, but they were to small. Go back to the Casteroides bio.
Neither?
You never wanted a beaver??!!
*slaps his forehead*
Anyway, now you do becuase these beavers were LESS THAN A FOOT LONG!
38: Pennsylvania: Fedexia
This pudgy amphibian’s name may surprise you, but yes, indeed, it was found near a FedEx building.
39: Rhode Island: Meganeura
40: South Carolina: Castoroides
We’ve gone over these guys before, so I think not much needs be said of them.
They’re just giant beavers
41: South Dakota: Archelon
Take 45 minutes out of your day to look at the above picture.
The Archelon is the biggest turtle or tortoise or terapin or whatever ever discovered.
Until we discover Megaurtle.
Archelon was aquatic… in South Dakota.
?
42: Tennessee: Llama?!
Yes, llamas in america- maybe. There is barely any evidence that they exist, but their are hieroglyphs and a few bones.
But paleontology is made of assumptions.
The only difference between them and modern llamas are like two teeth.
43: Texas: Pawpawsaurus
Yes, they named it Pawpawsaurus!
Its a very boring animal, but the name! Pawpawsaurus!!
44: Utah: Therizinosaurus
This isn’t as obscure as most of these bios, but this is my favorite dinosaur, had to chuck it in the mix.
But I mean look at those freaky claws!
They could literally be in a horror movie!
45: Vermont: Beluga Whale
Having made it as the State Marine Fossil of a landlocked state, Beluga Whales must be really awesome to earn such a prize in Vermont.
46: Virginia: Bothriolepis
47: Washington: ??
You may think, really Caveman’s Fable? Question marks? You scoff and mutter something about me being lazy.
But no! Guys! Don’t leave so soon! This is actually interesting!
In 2015, paleontologists uncovered the remains of ??. Nobody can identify!
It seems to be some sort of therapod… but what type?
48: West Virginia: Greererpeton
With a name meaning ‘creeping beast of Greer’, this fish/amphibian is well-known among west-virginians.
49: Wisconsin: Elk Moose
Your walking through the woods, spear in hand, Titanaboa skin draped over your shoulder.
A loud rustle- leaves crunching!
An eight foot tall deer rummages in the distance- then you see a buck, and a fawn!
There’s about ten of ’em, your tribe will be proud of the catch!
But then, from behind- the caveman’s fable Dino comes and guilt trips you, telling you they’re about to go extinct because of you.
50: Wyoming: Serpentisuchops
Not only does the name sound like Serpenty pork chops or something, it also means snakeish gator face.
Something like that.
*****
Hope you enjoyed! This took six months to write, so hopefully it was worth it!
Remember wish a random stranger happy 4th of July!
Leave a comment- I deserve it.
NO!
Don’t leave this tab! Like the post, comment, like your fellow commenters comments, and follow!
I’m serious. I’ve got powerful friends.
LACALALCTAYFAIVOBR! (like and comment a lot and like comments, tell all your friends about it, visit other blogs repeat)
Then you can leave the tab. Good.
Mm-hmm.
The Caveman's Fable 